I'm Only Happy When it Rains

Apologies to Shirley Manson

When it rains, the world slows and makes a bit more sense. The wet covers the outside world and, for the moment, I am allowed to just be inside. No judgment, no expectations. I can just be in my room and no one bothers me.

When it rains, I can turn off the music and let the sound wash over the chatter in my mind. When I sleep at night, my sound machine plays the sound of rain - there is a deep, lizard-brain desire for the damp calm that slows everything.

When it rains, no one expects me to get out and into the day and be super productive. No one wonders why I’m just sitting inside, in my room, reading or writing or daydreaming. I can open the window and be present in the now because no one expects more of me.

When it rains, I sit in my favorite chair and count my blessings for my view. I never appreciated the trees and flowers so much until now.

When I was young, I was always in trouble. My mind was crazy and overwhelming and I couldn’t control my body and I was constantly spilling and breaking things. (Some of this continues today because this is just who I am.) As someone who was constantly spilling and breaking things and getting in trouble, I was often sent to my room, and so that became my solace away from the world. Away from adults, away from getting in trouble, away from all the expectations I couldn’t meet.

So my room became my safe place. It had my toys, my books, and, after the age of 10 or so, all of my TTRPGs. I am old, so I was there for the first generation of TTRPGs, so it was not only D&D but also Top Secret and Gangbusters and Gamma World and Champions and Marvel Super Heroes…

I didn’t need other people, I just needed my game worlds that helped me feel at peace - no judgment, no spills, no yelling. Just me and my books and my dice.

And while I would grow up and become an adult and more responsible for my actions, I still loved staying in my room, in my dreams, where I could just be, away from all the grown-up world (adulting, as we would say now). But there’s always someone in my circle getting out in the world, doing stuff outside and wondering why I don’t want to join them.

Hey, no disrespect to my frisbee golf playing friend Kirk - I get it and am thankful for coming along and, most importantly, I do need to be outside in the fresh air, moving my limbs, and talking to other adults about this crazy world. I need to go outside and do that, for my mental, physical, and spiritual health.

But you know what I also need? To be left alone for a moment. To have expectations and judgments fall away. To be given a free pass to just be.

Don’t get me wrong: the Pacific NW and its 6 months of rain is too far in the wrong direction. Whomever came up with the acronym for Seasonal Affective Disorder is a sociopath. I’ve done that and am done with that. So I don’t want endless, sanity-shattering rain.

This spring rain today is perfect. It dampens the world and its expectations. I can open the windows and the rain is so loud I don’t need music - I sit here and write and the rain comes down and down and down, and for a long moment, everything is going to be alright.